Mistress' Musings

Fight sexism. Do it now say yes to female-to justice-to freedom. Love yourself, love other women. Say no! Get angry, get active. Don’t agonize-organize. Fight racism-classism-ageism-homophobia-sizeism and ableism. Lower pain and isolation. Raise consciousness, raise self esteem. Think globally-act locally. Avoid burnout. Be woman identified. Create safety. Take risks. Take your power back. Do it now. Live equality. Thank yourself. Celebrate women survivors. Invent new herstory. Shatter myths, pioneer, trailblaze. Discover she-her-we-I-woman. Honor lesbians say yes to power. Love your body. Decorate yourself anyway you like. Have happy sex. Visualize perfect birth control. Keep abortion safe, legal and accessible. Help a mother today. Make every child a funded child. Praise rebel spinsters. Do it now. Be a woman’s movement. Vote, march, girlcott, lobby, write letters, elect progressive women. Win the ERA. Stop the violence against women. Demand economic justice for all. Say yes to more money. Fun-raise, raise hell. Do it now. Cherish your mother earth. Be anti-war. Liberate oppression. Think humanarchy. Make peace with men. Be a mover and a shaker. Support bad girls. Join a feminist political organization. Volunteer, give love, give money. Get powerful, get respect. Heal yourself, heal the world. Collect fabulous memories. Do it to win!!!

 am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it – I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself.

I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts.

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know – but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me.

I am me, and I am Okay.

From Self Esteem by Virginia Satir

Evening

Blessings
“Every day do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow.
” — Doug Firebaugh

The things you’re grateful to have
A roof over my head
**HIM** and his wife
Da Roomie
My kids
A car

The things you’re grateful NOT to have
A migraine
An STD
Pneumonia

Boasts
“Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.” — George Herman “Babe” Ruth

Bought dish towels
Replaced a stolen KitKat bar
Visited with my girl
Dyed my hair
Washed dishes

Thoughts
“There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you.
.”
– David Burns, Intimate Connections

1. The things you didn’t accomplish today
Laundry folded, sorted, put away or put in the disposal
Unpacking
Grocery shopping
Bills paid

2. Think about one of your fears
I am truly afraid of failing again. I know that as of this moment, I have done everything I can to make my marriage work, and that the success or failure of said relationship is in my husband’s hands for now, but I still feel that if we end up divorcing, somehow it will be my fault once again.

3. Think of a way to face that fear
I can acknowledge that, having GIVEN the responsibility for the success or failure of our relationship to him, it is HIS choice whether we survive or not. And, should he so choose not, that it is NOT my failure, but his.

4. One new thing you’d like to do
I would really, really love to go skiing someday

5. What you don’t like about yourself
I spend far, far too much time dwelling on the past. Not in attempting to LEARN from it, simply because it is there.

6. How you can change what you don’t like about yourself
I need to focus on the present, and look forward, into the future.

7. Your greatest qualities
I am a bright, intelligent woman. I have a brain, and I know how to use it.
I have a great sense of humor, and I can make my friends laugh with ease.
I am a good mother.
I am a kind, loving, supportive, and loyal friend

8. What the future holds
Three beautiful children, who are growing up, and will be starting to date, graduate high school, and do all the wonderful things happy, healthy, well-adjusted children do.

9. Your life goals
I am going back to work. I will find a job close to home, and re-enter the workforce and become more self-sufficient and no longer allow myself to be dependent on a man for anything.

10. You only have one life
Get my ass out there and LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST.

Wow, I’m doing real well at writing in here. LOL I’m averaging about once a month.  Not thrilled with that, but, hey, I’ll take what I can get.  I’m hoping to start writing more often, when I go back to logging my food every day.  If nothing else, then I’ll start writing what I eat in here.

Ye gods, it’s been a tiring month. Started the month at Emerald City ComiCon (www.emeraldcitycomiccon.com). OMFG was it freaking amazing!  I loved it!  Got to meet James Marsters (Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Nicholas Brendan (Xander from Buffy), Brent Spiner (Data!  Who doesn’t love Data? Star Trek: The Next Generation), and Jonathan Frakes (Cdr Reiker on STNG). They were all so nice to us.  It was awesome.  Granted, I did kinda use the boys to my advantage, the fact that they’re autistic and prone to violent meltdown, so they escorted us to the front of the lines for all of them.  It was so nice.  Spent damn near $100 on autographs, but considering we’d budgeted $500 for the day, it was cool.  Walked and walked and walked ALL day. Way too many people for my anxiety’s liking.  But some people in some really friggin AWESOME costumes!  I have pics up at Facebook, I’ll have to copy them over to this entry to show them.  :)  Goober went as a little Thor, Fishie as a Pokemon trainer.  Aspie Boy didn’t wanna dress up yet, but we think he will next year.  It was a lot of fun.  The next day, we took off for Tacoma Mall and Build a Bear (www.buildabear.com) because when we took the kids trick or treating, Goober was dressed up as Darth Vader, and Aspie Boy let him carry Fluffy Buns who had his Vader costume on, and Goob lost Fluffy’s “laser carrot” (aka the light saber) that came with the Vader costume, and I’d promised that we’d replace it as soon as we could.  This entailed a trip to BABW.  And then wandering around the mall for a bit.  So, MORE walking.

Can we say instant fibro flare, because I did too much?  Then the following week was just uber busy, and I didn’t get to sleep and rest the way I needed to for the fibro flare to ease, so I spent two weeks in serious pain.  Managed to get sleep enough, just in time for another really busy week, and my period.  So it was body, meet fibro flare again.

Got pretty much enough rest just before I went to Seattle this past Thursday.  Had an AWESOME AWESOME day over there.  Saw my friend Eugene, and got to hang out with him for a few hours.  That was truly truly awesome.  He’s such a sweetie! I love getting to hang with him.  It’s so much fun to hang out with someone like me, who has a brain and likes to talk about the stuff I like to, and doesn’t mind when my brain decides to go fritzy on me. I’m such a lucky girl with some of my friends. Then, after my morning group Healing Hands, where we use knitting and crocheting as a therapy for PTSD, I had my grounding group (ok, yoga class, to be honest).  Grounding was FUCKING AMAZING!  With having lost so much weight since I was last there, I was able to get deeper into the poses and was able to stay in them so much more comfortably than I ever have before.  It fucking ROCKED! LOVE LOVE LOVED IT! It was amazing! I was so proud of myself.

I’m pissed at the kids’ teachers, tho.  Next week is parent-teacher conferences.  Ok, no big, right?  They’ve got appointments on Thursday and FRIDAY.  So, knowing that I spend Thursdays in Seattle, I requested all my conferences be on FRIDAY.  ALL THREE KIDS TEACHERS set my conferences up for Thursday.  Fucking pissed me off to no end.  So, I got to go back to my therapy groups for ONE WEEK and have to miss next week.  WTF is up with that?  And it’s not like these Thursdays in Seattle are a NEW THING.  I’ve been in both of these groups for pushing two years.  My kids’ teachers all know that I spend Thursdays in Seattle. So I’m going to be a BITCH to Goober and Aspie Boy’s teachers and pitch a fit over the fact I requested Friday because of standing appointments in Seattle.  Fishie’s teacher only scheduled me on Thursday because she knew Goober’s had.  Not really looking forward to Aspie Boy and Goober’s conferences.  Goob’s missed a lot of school, because of his appointments with HIS therapists (he’s on his third.  He hates it).  So he’s a bit behind in his math.  I’m thinking it’s because he’s just being lazy and not wanting to show them that he knows what the eff he’s doing.  And his one teacher doesn’t like me, since she was Fishie’s teacher two years ago, and BOB had to go to parent teacher conference because (GASP!!!) I was in SEATTLE FOR GROUP! (same reason I missed the LAST round of conferences….. you’d think they’d figure this one out, honestly).  Aspie Boy’s, I’m not looking forward to having, because since BOB and I spoke with him prior to Christmas break and reminded him that Aspie Boy IS an aspie, and has a 504 that needs to be followed, he’s been a total ASS to Aspie Boy.  And I intend on calling his sorry fucking ass out for it. Then, I’m going to talk to AB’s other teachers, and see if (now that we’re 3/4 of the way thru the year) they have any clue that AB has a 504 plan. I’m strongly suspecting that they don’t.  I am so not impressed with his counselor this year.  VERY unimpressed.  Woman has me pissed, because we were supposed to meet and re-evaluate his plan for this year back in SEPTEMBER, then she said we’d meet in October.  Then it was between Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks.  Well, Spring Break is week after next, and we STILL haven’t rechecked his 504.  Fishie’s? So not worried.  Gonna hear that she’s fallen off doing her homework, but otherwise, I’m really not worried. S he’s a good student, and really enjoys class.  She’s also participating in a before school athletic thing, which has her very excited about school.  I love my kids.

Methinks I should probably try to get my ass to bed and to sleep. Da Hubband has to be at work at 0500, which means we’re leaving around 0400 to get him there.  Then the landlord is coming over between 11 and 12.  I was hoping to sleep in. I don’t see that happening.

Wow, since the last time I wrote in here, we’ve had to make a couple more trips to the emergency room. both for Goober. trip number one, we went skating while Da Hubband and Aspie Boy were T their Friday night magic, and he turfed it pretty good a double times. we left he rink, and I saw this huge lump on  his arm and aS skeeved out by it. so I de decided he needed to be seen. they thought be might have fractured something, so they put him in a splint for a week then the next day, his hand swelled up like a balloon, so back to the er we go. he was fine, his hand was just wrapped wrong, so they re-wrapped it and sent us home. made for some fun times.

otherwise, things have been pretty normal around here. the landlord is making noises about selling the place again, so we’re looking for a new home.

not much else to say right now.

Took the smalls to Gryphon for Aspie Boy’s group today, normal Saturday routine. We had more people show up today, and I was quite happy about that. THEN crisis. Fish  was poking her brother with the eraser of the pencil she was sketching with, and instead of opening his mouth and telling her to stop, he swatted the frakking pencil away. Problem…. he scarfed her hand and embedded some of the lead in her hand. So, just to be on the safe side, we’re in the waiting room at the er so they can look at her. Oh the joys.

But, the boys are taken care of. Aspie Boy’s buddy talked to his parents, and they were cool with him hanging out with them for the afternoon. And my brother was gonna pick up Goober and take him to the indoor blow-up playground with them for Neffew’s birthday party.

Poor Neffew. He turned 4 a week ago, and we were going to have a party for him last Saturday, but he wasn’t feeling good, so  it got postponed to tomorrow.  Then his daddy (who is active duty military) found out he has duty tomorrow. So they’re taking him to play today.

Right now Fish and Da Hubband are playing Munchkin Fu and she’s feeling a smidge better. She says her hand doesn’t hurt as much. This is good. I’m tired and hungry, and so is she. Blah.

Guess I’m gonna give this up for now and update more later.

Ok, The Feminist Breeder has issued a challenge for women to say out loud (or write a blog post) about all the things they truly LOVE about their bodies.  It’s the time of year for people to resolve to lose xx pounds in the new year.  And she, being pregnant with a little girl, wants us to halt the body issues in their tracks, and instead of listing the million and one things we HATE about our bodies that continues the cycle, state the things we LOVE.  Kind of like when you’re trying to stop smoking, snapping a rubber band on your wrist to retrain your way of thinking.  So, without further ado, here is my list of things I love about my body and WHY I love them.

I love LOVE my hair, even when it’s driving me crazy and giving me headaches, because I finally have it the right color for me.

I love my hands, because they’re capable of playing many musical instruments and typing everything that’s in my mind.

I love my eyes, because they’re a beautiful light milk-chocolate brown.

My eyelashes, because they’re naturally long and thick.

And I love my feet, despite their scars and pain they cause me, because they carry my body everywhere I need to go.

I guess there are more things I really love about my body than I really dislike.  I’m not going to ruin the self adoration here by writing down all the things I HATE about my body, though.  I’m afraid that would defeat my purpose here.  And, I have to confess that the parts of my body I despise are not because of how they look, but because of how they don’t function properly.  I am finally, even though I’m working to lose the extra weight I’m carrying, not filled with the body-hate that I used to be.  I am actually quite happy with my body for the most part.  I’m am working to lose weight because the weight I carry is affecting my health.

I need to write my year end entry soon.  It’s been a roller coaster of a year!

Ok, I’m fifteen minutes late for this to actually have been posted on CHRISTMAS, but, well….  This was Christmas.  And a much better Christmas than we were expecting. I posted to Facebook early in the month that this was going to be a shitty Christmas because I fuckered up and didn’t apply for the giving tree at either Salvation Army or the local food bank in time.  I was crushed.  I sat on that knowledge for a couple days before posting.  Not an hour after I posted, I got a call from the food bank, telling me that if they had toys left to do the toy shop that they do for families like ours (nice to know I’m not the only lame-brained parent in town!), they’d call me the following Monday (this was on Thursday).  Monday I got a call and had an appointment made for us.  We were allowed two toys per kid that day, plus a warm clothing item (hats and scarves).  THEN!  THEN!!!!  While I was at my hotel for an early morning appointment this past Monday (yes, the Monday before Christmas!), I heard from Goober’s therapist that the group the boys get their therapy from had some items for the kids, too. And, we managed to get a few things with my child support and some inexpensive stuff from Da Hubband’s pay checks.  Then, of course, my brother and sister in law and my ex mother in law all came in with their usual awesomeness.  The kids (all THREE!  She never forgets that her grandkids have a little brother! She’s an awesome lady!) got gift cards for Best Buy to get themselves the Paper Jams air guitars.  Too cool!  And my darling big brother gave the kids the one thing they RALLY REALLY wanted, their pillow pets.  They are so happy!

Now, on top of my brother making my KIDS insanely happy…… I got the awesomest awesomest Christmas present ever today.  I bought myself a stereo a while back that has two iPod docks on it.  Plus, my dad’s truck has an iPod dock to it, too.  I, however, have a Zune.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my Zune.  But there are so many rocking accessories out there for iPods.  So, I coveted an iPod.  Told my big brother about this, and that I’d love an iPod for Christmas or my birthday.  Well, he has a couple of ‘spares’ around (one that doesn’t have a working headphone jack), a nano and a shuffle.  Well….. I GOT THE NANO TODAY!!!!!  He gave our mom the shuffle and a Sony eReader, but I don’t care!!  I got an iPod!!!  I got some wonderful makeup from my favorite line from Ashe, and a scarf from my mom.  A digital picture frame from The Girlfriend, which I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE!  It got loaded last night and is currently running a slide show on my entertainment center right now.  I’m SO in love with my frame.  It’s got pics of EVERYONE that means anything (that I have pics of, mind you! None of the GF who gave it to me, because there aren’t any of her right now… must go steal pics from her facebook).  Some books from a series I adore, that she’s giving up because, like my mom, she got an ereader for Christmas. A SUPER YUMMY smelling candle that I can’t wait to put on the warmer.  And COFFEES!!!!  Oh, and a really sweet baby doll that has it’s own stuffed piggy that when you match up the heart on the piggy and the heart on the doll it oinks at you. Is so CUTE!  I know there are other things, but I’m not thinking of them right now. :p One of those days.

Hubs got a couple action figures for his collection.  He was quite happy about them.  Plus a Lego Darth Vader pen.  Sadly, he was even happier about that.  It’s all good, though.

Christmas started early today, because Da Hubband had to work.  We’d intended to do Christmas at home yesterday, since he was off, but we were doing some last minute shopping.  The kids were in at seven (yeah, I know, for most people that’s normal time to be getting up, but for a couple who goes to bed between two and four on an average night, waking up that early is painful).  They knew that Dad had to work today, and they wanted to make sure that we got presents opened before their dad had to shower and get ready for work.

Ok, there is tons more I wanted to write, but I keep getting distracted, and I’m tired.  Ugh.  Don’t see me going to bed any time soon, though.

Wow, can it really have been a whole year since we attended Aspie Boy’s very first band concert ever?  Tonight was the first concert of seventh grade, and even though he was a wee bit late and wasn’t sure where he was supposed to be which would have caused a total and complete meltdown this time last year, he didn’t.  This is HUGE progress for him.  His beloved dragon hoodie was out on the stage with him, even though his hat stayed in the band room.  He had an awesome night!  I was so proud of him.  He’s becoming SUCH an awesome little man.  I’m truly in awe of the leaps and bounds he’s made in the last year.  The fact that he managed tonight without a total and complete screaming crying autistic meltdown is nothing short of miraculous and is a huge thing.

I called his bio-dad, and told him about it.  Realized halfway into the conversation that he had no clue why this was such a huge huge deal.  Made me a little sad.  I know it’s partly my own fault, but it’s also his and Aspie Boy’s.  His, because he doesn’t call me about his son, and Aspie Boy’s because he just doesn’t want his father to know anything.  As far as he’s concerned, Da Hubband is his dad.  His bio-dad is just that, the person who contributed half of his genetics.

Meh.  C’est la vie, I guess.  My kids know they’re loved and that we’ll support them in whatever they want to do, even if that is cutting others out of their lives.  I think I’m glad that I’ve taught them that it’s healthy to cut toxic people out, even if they are your family.